Sporadic Update Time

Ok, I really suck at blogging. I did the same thing when I was a kid. The book fair would roll around once a year, and I'd buy a good, new-smelling diary and vow to write every spare thought in it at least once a day. Well, let's make it every other day. Or once a week. Or month. Oooh, book fair time again! Shiny new diary! You get the picture.

Things on the pregnancy front are very, very good. I feel good, I look good (pat myself on the back, there) and most importantly, the baby is perfect. She (yes SHE!) is growing just like she should be, all parts are present and accounted for. She's doing so well, in fact, that my OB moved my due date up a whole week, so now I'm due on February 28. I'm in my 23rd week this week, and it's really hard to believe that the time is passing so quickly. I figured that being pregnant would drag on, waiting and waiting for the new arrival. Instead, I'm finding out that time is hurtling out of control and I have so much to do and less and less time to do it in!

We've decided on a name, but we're not telling. I thought my family was going to run me out of town because we won't tell the name. I just don't want any comments from anyone before she gets here on what we've decided to name her. We already found out the gender, so we need some element of surprise, right?

Vanishing Twin

I talked my doctor yesterday, I was right. There were two in there! But, it looks like the other baby was measuring really small with no heartbeat. I go for a follow up u/s later this month, just to make sure it 'vanishes' with no complications. My hubby is pretty disappointed. He was excited for twins. As for me, I'm just glad I've got a healthy baby in there. I'm not greedy! One's plenty for me! On the plus side, I'll get lots of ultrasounds to make sure that everything is going okay. I can see my baby more, which is always awesome.

First Ultrasound

I had my first ultrasound yesterday. Let me just start off by saying that this ultrasound was about a million times better than my last one. There's a heartbeat! A superstrong 163 beats per minute. Little peanut measured right on target at 9w2d, and as the tech was pointing out the little legs and the little arms, peanut was waving and kicking and dancing around. I can't express the joy I felt at seeing the little being inside me that was doing just what it should. I'm waiting for the doctor to call with the results of the ultrasound... there was something funny in my uterus that looked suspiciously like another baby. If I don't hear from her by noon tomorrow, I'm going to her office!

Growing Pains

I'm having what I have been assured are normal, natural growing pains in my uterus. And the hurt. A lot. It feels like someone has run a string through my belly button and is pulling it downward persistently. I started to call my doctor, because it hurts, but while I was on hold I thought about how stupid I would sound. "Yeah, doc... my bellybutton hurts. What can you do about that?" So for now, I'm suffering with an ouchie bellybutton and sucker punched guts. As long as my baby is growing like it should, I'll take it!

New Beginnings

It's been a long time since I've updated my blog, mostly because the drudgery of real life took over. One day at a time and all that jazz. After a miscarriage, time temporarily stops. It seems like life may not be worth living when you've experienced a terrible thing. It was hard to get up in the morning, it was hard to see other pregnant women and it was especially hard to see new babies. There are several pregnant women at work at the moment, and one of them is due the day after my original due date.

As my due date draws near, I've got mixed emotions. On one hand, I'm dreading the day because I know it's going to be sad and difficult and heartbreaking, but on the other hand, I'm excited. You see, I'm pregnant again. This time, I'm nervous as hell. Even more so than last time. I had two miscarriages in a row, and I don't know if I can handle a third. I'm taking several medications to try to make this one 'stick' and hopefully they'll do the trick. I'm trying desperately to relax and not overthink every little thing, but it's so terribly difficult. Every cramp, every twinge, every ache... makes me think 'Oh no, not again.' I know that it's very likely I'll miscarry again, especially since there's no telling why I miscarried before and the medications I'm taking are akin to throwing stuff to the wall to see what sticks. I try to be positive, but it's hard to get excited just in case my excitement comes crashing down around my ears again. All I can do is take it one day at a time, I suppose.

The Ending

I had been spotting and cramping since Thursday night, and Sunday morning at 1 am I woke up in excruciating pain. I thought that I could bear it, seeing as how I'd been up the 2 previous nights in pain. I sat on the toilet for almost an hour, doubled over in pain.

Then I started with vomiting and diarrhea, plus the dizziness, so I woke my husband up to take me to the ER. We left the house around 2am, and got right in the ER, they had just hooked me up to the blood pressure and heart monitors, when I looked at the doc and said 'Uh oh something just happened...' He sent me to the bathroom with orders not to flush if anything came out, but it was just blood. I totally soaked the pad that I was wearing, and blood was running out so fast it sounded like I was peeing.

By this time, I was hurting so bad I couldn't even talk, and the contractions were nearly constant, so I knew the end was close. The nurse came to prep me for the pelvic exam, and when I sat up, I felt this odd squelchy feeling, and heard a plop. I looked down and there was a large glob of stuff on the table. The nurse grabbed a collection container and told me to lay back and relax until the doctor came in.

When he did, he looked in the container, and I asked him if that was my baby. He looked a little more and said it was. They gave me the opportunity to look at it, and at first I declined, but then I decided I'd regret it if I didn't get to see my baby. I was shocked at how well developed it was, for as small as it was. It had ten fingers and ten toes, little tiny eyes and ear buds... It looked perfect. They ended up keeping me in the ER for a little while to make sure the bleeding was slowing as it should, and I passed a few more large clots and bits of the placenta, and then it was over. I was in and out of the ER in less than three hours, and we were back home in bed by 5 am.

I've been resting at home, and ordered off work until at least Wednesday. They gave me some good painkillers to help with the cramps, and I feel a lot better emotionally, knowing that it's finally over. The relief is almost palpable, and I feel almost guilty for being more relieved than sad at this moment. I went to my OB today, and she cried with me and hugged me and we talked about my options at the moment... Thankfully, I won't need the D&C, since they're almost positive I passed all the tissue in the ER. She went ahead and ordered the testing, so in a few weeks we'll have some idea what happened.

My husband has been my rock through this horrible time, and I could not have done this without him. He went to work after our appointment this morning, and he's called a half dozen times to check on me today. I love him.

Sad News

Well, I went in for my first ultrasound on Wednesday, and it was not good. The baby quit growing between 8 and 9 weeks, and there was no heartbeat. I am devastated. This baby was a surprise, sure, but it was definitely wanted. Tony is just as upset as I am, and our families and friends are heartbroken. This is a terrible thing that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I spoke with my doctor this evening, and I go in Monday morning for some more bloodwork and the pre-reg testing for my D&C on Tuesday. I've been bleeding and crampy since last night, and I just hope that it holds off until I get the D&C. I would much prefer having the procedure done than letting nature take its course. More than likely though, I won't have a choice in the matter.